What a Lifetime as a Misfit Taught Me About How to Stand Out?

A Short story about discovering the magic of being a misfit and learning to harness the power of my "out of the box" life.

When I look up the word misfit in three of the most famous dictionaries in the world, here are the definitions that I found.

misfit (noun)

• "someone who is not suited to a situation or who is not accepted by other people because their behaviour is strange or unusual" - Cambridge English Dictionary

• "a person who is different from other people and who does not seem to belong in a particular group or situation" - The Britannica Dictionary

• "a person who is not accepted by a particular group of people, especially because their behaviour or their ideas are very different" - Oxford Learners Dictionary

Notice that "not accepted by other people" and "not belonging in a particular group" are key parts of the misfit definition.

Everyone has some experience of feeling like a misfit at some point in their lives. Like the first day in a new school, starting in a new job, or moving into a new neighbourhood. There are bound to be times in life when you feel like the odd man out, but eventually, you find your sense of belonging, people get to know you, and you fit in.

For me, being a misfit has been a constant feeling for most of my life. I didn't choose to feel like a misfit. The events and circumstances in my life made it hard for me to feel a sense of belonging and for people to easily categorize me into societal norms for acceptance.

For example, a simple question about my nationality is hard for me to answer with a definitive answer. I am Hong Kong-born but Canadian raised yet have lived half my adult life in Hong Kong. I hold both a Hong Kong, China and Canadian passport and feel patriotism for both countries.

Another simple question that most people can definitively answer is, "What's your mother tongue?"

Being born in Hong Kong, I should without a doubt say Cantonese. Technically, English is my second language, but it is what I learned to read, write and communicate with at the age of 6 when my family immigrated to Canada. The thinking voice in my head speaks English.

My Cantonese, on the other hand, is conversationally acceptable and I cannot read or write traditional Chinese. I 'fake it til I make it' in daily conversations where I sometimes understand 70% of what's being said to me. And I am limited in effectively expressing insights and intellect by the common and basic Cantonese vocabulary in my arsenal.

So what is my mother tongue?

Growing up and living in Canada for over 20+ years was about proving my Canadian-ness and being accepted by western norms of society as a visible minority (very visible minority during the 70s and 80s in mid-western Canada).

Working and living in Hong Kong for the past 25+ years has meant learning about my Asian culture and trying to find a sense of belonging with societal norms that are sometimes in conflict with my western values and upbringing.

I consider both Canada and Hong Kong to be my home, but on either side of the globe, I often feel like a misfit.

The hardest part about my life as a misfit is finding self-acceptance and self-value in a world where I often feel like an involuntary outsider who doesn't belong.

I have discovered that not fitting in has given me advantages in my ability to empathize, analyze and be creative. Consistently existing outside of the box has strengthened my thinking agility, emotional intelligence and resilience.

So this week I am sharing my journey to discovering my misfit magic. I hope that other out-of-the-box souls out there can find comfort and strength in their uniqueness.

Where My Misfit Story Begins

My misfit life started with the death of my father when I was 6 years old.

My mom could call herself a widow and society could understand her thoughts, feelings and behaviour. It was still awkward for people to interact with my mom. But at least society had a "widow" label for reference and people would know what to say to her and understand her experience.

But for a 6-year-old little girl who was suddenly fatherless, there was no societal term to help people understand my thoughts, feelings and behaviour. There was no shortage of societal expectations of me as the eldest child to support my mom, help look after my younger brother and do household chores. But there was very little consideration or understanding for a little girl who would grow up without her father.

My father's death was the life event that triggered subsequent life circumstances that would continue to make it challenging for me to fit into societal labels. My mother moved our little family from my birthplace, Hong Kong, to immigrate to Canada.

In the early 70s, Hong Kong Chinese immigrants were a very small population in the mid-western Canadian city we moved to. I was definitely a misfit as a fatherless little girl, learning English as a second language and as a very visible minority.

I assimilated myself fully into Canadian culture, almost denouncing my Asian heritage in the process as I did my best to fit in with the societal norms that surrounded me.

I refused to speak Cantonese at home and excelled in English instead. I found my love of reading and writing in the process. I binge-read from diverse genres from Edgar Allen Poe to Agatha Christie to Amy Tan. My love of reading led to my love of writing and I began to write short stories and entered teen writing competitions.

In my attempts to look more western, I learned make-up and hairstyling techniques to make my eyes look bigger and my Asian hair less straight. I styled myself and made my own clothes to emulate my teen idols like Madonna and Whitney Houston. This sparked my fashion industry passion and led to a fashion design degree and then a career in the fashion and beauty industry.

The 6-year-old fatherless little girl didn't choose to be a misfit. Life events put me in circumstances that made me different from the societal norms that surrounded me. As hard as I tried, I could not fully fit in by the nature of my ethnicity.

I am grateful for those formative misfit years and experiences because they built my sense of determination to fight against stereotypes. Those years laid the foundation for my values of appreciating individuality and opportunities through self-development and hard work.

Read more on turning adversity into advantages in my blog "Finding Super Strength in Adversity".

Accepting My Banana-ness

If you are from an Asian-American, Asian-Canadian, Asian-Australian and any other Asian Western hyphenated existence, you most likely know terms like "banana" or "Twinky" as a reference to being Asian on the outside and white on the inside.

These terms were created by Asian-Westerners to describe themselves. While they are often viewed as derogative, I also find they accurately describe my misfit-ness.

On one hand, Asian immigrant parents wanted their children to assimilate and fit in with the culture of the country they lived in. Yet, on the other hand, they would complain that their children were not Asian enough or did not know their Asian heritage.

Meanwhile, the Asian immigrant children were just trying to get through each day hoping not to get ridiculed with questions like "What are you?"

So while my childhood, youth and young adulthood were about proving my Canadian identity as a visible minority. My adult life has been about trying to connect and thrive in Hong Kong where I look Chinese but do not think and behave Chinese enough.

I met and married my husband in Canada when he was a Hong Kong foreign student studying at university. We married soon after his graduation. Five years after getting married, he wanted to return to Hong Kong to be closer to his family and to try to establish a career in his home country.

We initially thought it would be a temporary career-building adventure for 4-5 years, but 20+ years and 2 children later, we still call Hong Kong our home.

I was lucky enough to find work easily in Hong Kong with international companies that needed native English-speaking employees for their regional offices. It was liberating to be able to use my combined Asian and Western culture understanding to help build beauty brands new to Asia at the time.

My banana-ness was an advantage in building my career.

The challenge was how to assimilate my banana-ness outside of the work environment. It was hard to deal with daily strange glances from locals because of my mispronounced Cantonese and my too Westernized make-up and fashion.

I am still a misfit in many situations in Hong Kong, like at the corner grocery stores with no English signage or local cafes with only Chinese menus. But I have learned to accept my banana-ness and use it to my advantage. It turns out that most people are very helpful when they know that I am not really a local.

Owning My Misfit Magic

No one chooses to be a misfit. We cannot control events and circumstances in our life that make us different from the societal norms that surround us.

While it can be isolating, frustrating and lonely at times, the life skills that I have gained from living outside of societally accepted boxes have been an advantage.

Being that fatherless 6-year-old has taught me resilience, independence and self-sufficiency.

Being a Hong Kong Chinese immigrant in Canada has taught me determination, fairness, openness and acceptance of cultural differences.

Accepting my 'banana-ness' has taught me to use the best of both cultures and proudly be an original mix of East and West.

A lifetime of living outside the box has made my life fuller, my purpose more vivid and my contributions more impactful.

The biggest lesson is the value of self-acceptance and self-worth.

"After all, why would anyone choose to be just like others anyway? Sure, it’s important to learn how to relate to those dissimilar to ourselves comfortably. But that hardly implies a need to forfeit our uniqueness just to 'homogenize' with those supposedly more 'normal' than we are."

- Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D

To everyone who has ever felt like a misfit, I hope you find a way to celebrate your uniqueness instead of trying to be "normal" by someone else's definition.

Additional Reading:

Have You Ever Felt Like a Misfit? - Online Article - psychologytoday.com

I would love to hear your comments!

When have you felt like a misfit in your life?

How did you cope?

What is most unique about you that you should celebrate more of?

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