Happily-ever-after takes work and commitment that the fairytales and Rom-Coms don't tell you about. Reflecting on 3+ decades of married life experience, with 3+ things I would tell newlyweds to prepare for the work of lasting love.
This July, my husband and I are happily celebrating our 32nd anniversary. We have now spent 60% of our lives together!
As a Rom-com watching, romance novel reading teen of the 80s, I never imagined that my romance novel would last a lifetime. Or that "My Epic 80's Romance" of a reluctant beauty queen who meets the mysterious foreign student would become a lifelong running series.
My husband is still my superhero, sexy leading man and best friend. The chapters of our lives are rich with love, laughter, triumphs and tribulations. The biggest rewards in our lives together are our sons and the solid family foundation that we have created.
We consider our 32 years together as a work of love and our family as the most valuable investment in our lives.
The years have passed so quickly and we easily forget the work that went into creating the life we love.
Building our newlywed life as broke university graduates trying to establish our careers.
Making the terrifying move from Canada (my home country where I lived for 22 years) to follow my husband's dream to work in his home country of Hong Kong.
Dealing with the emotional rollercoaster of fertility issues when starting our family.
Discovering how fragile the life we worked for could be lost with my lymphoma diagnosis.
Adjusting to life in our 50s as empty nesters.
As young newlyweds, we had no idea of the challenges and rewards that building a life together would bring. We had no clue on how to be independent in a dependent relationship. And how to balance individual needs and aspirations with those of a husband and wife and as parents.
We not only survived the 3+ decades of married life, but we thrived together through most of those years. We learned how to build our marriage as we worked through it year by year. A lot of luck was involved to get us through the tough times.
What if we weren't so lucky? What if we didn't know how to put in the work to make a marriage last? Or have the patience and discipline to work it out?
As I reflect on 3+ decades of married life experience, there are 3+ things I would tell newlyweds in hopes of helping them to prepare for the work of lasting love.
Thing 1: Respect and Admire Each Other
Traditional wedding vows go something like this:
"I, _____, take you, _____, for my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. I will love and honour you all the days of my life."
I would add respect and admire each other to those vows.
As newlyweds getting to know each other on a deeper level and beginning the partnership of building our lives together meant working as a team. Teams work better when they respect one another and admire the individual strengths of the team players.
It's easy to lose sight of the respect and admiration that made you fall in love in the first place once life gets busy with establishing careers and a family. When couples are stressed and stretched for time and energy to get everything done, it's easy to fall into the habit of criticizing and complaining about each other.
The truth is that managing our own life is hard enough, let alone life as a couple or as a family. It's easy to take each other's strengths and contributions for granted when there is always more to be done in the household and at work.
I would tell newlyweds to regularly remind each other of the qualities that they respect and admire in each other. I would remind them to be grateful for the unique strengths that each brings to the team as a couple and as a family. Celebrate what you respect and admire in each other and encourage more of the qualities you love.
Thing 2: Grow Independently and Dependently
Transitioning from dating to a committed relationship and then into marriage was a process of growth as individuals and as a dependent relationship.
We married in our early 20s and were still working out who we were as individuals on top of being husband and wife. It was hard to balance individual growth needs when our lives were now also dependent on each other.
There were times of give-and-take when we supported each other's individual growth needs through the stages of our lives together. Whether it's going back to school, trying a new career direction or venturing into entrepreneurship, we need to be supportive of each other's growth opportunities.
We had to learn that independence is not growing apart from one another.
In fact, independent growth makes us stronger, happier individuals. And it's necessary for being stronger and happier in our dependent lives together.
I would tell the newlyweds to allow for and encourage independent growth for each other. When you continue to grow as an individual, the dependent relationship grows too. You will find new things to love about each other as you grow old together.
Thing 3: Be the Safe Place for Each Other's Hearts
There is nothing scarier in life than giving your heart to someone else to hold in safe keeping.
That's what being in love and trusting your heart to someone feels like to me. The trust in giving someone my heart and the responsibility of holding someone else's in safe keeping is a huge commitment.
But when you find someone to entrust your heart to, it feels like home.
There are bound to be arguments and disagreements over a lifetime together. In the heat of an argument, we often speak faster than we think and end up with hurtful words. In a marriage, hurtful words have the power to break the trust of keeping our hearts safe in each other's care.
You can only build a life together with someone who you can trust to keep your heart safe.
I would tell newlyweds to share their hearts courageously with each other and protect them with bubble wrap made of respect and trust. Build up those layers of protection daily in words and behaviours of respect and trust so that your hearts are protected from the occasional bumps along the way.
The + Thing: Romance Evolves
What was romantic in our 20s as newlyweds, may not be as romantic in our 30s, 40s or 50s. But the constant is that romance is necessary.
What is considered romantic is highly subjective to each person and evolves over time. The rom-com stereotypes of candlelit dinners, flowers, love songs and chocolate-covered strawberries are often where new couples start because society perpetuated these to be romantic norms.
Romance is the expression of love and attraction and the feeling of being desirable.
When you are a footloose and free newlywed couple, it is easy to find time and energy to be romantic. When you have stressful careers, two young children, a mortgage and bills to pay, romance may give way to catching up on quality sleep or finding some quiet alone time.
I would tell newlyweds that real romance starts when you have developed romantic references, gestures and behaviours that are unique to you and your partner. Romance evolves with the life experiences that make the love and attraction we feel for each other even stronger over time. We just need to make sure we take the time to express it.
The Work of Love is Worth it!
It doesn't take a wedding ring to define happily-ever-after. A work of love over a lifetime can be in chapters or a series of novels of experiences in love.
For my husband and I, we are lucky to have been "the one" for each other. There are those who are able to experience more than just the one love in their lifetime. People come into our lives for a reason and we cannot predict how long they stay.
Regardless of where you are in your journey of happily-ever-after or happily-for-now, the work of having deep meaningful love and friendship in your life is worth it. After all, it's the people and our relationships that define our life's work of love.
The good life is built with good relationships.
Robert J. Waldinger
I would love to hear your comments!
What's your best love story? Who is your happily-ever-after?
What's your secret to a lasting relationship?
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