When your children are no longer children, how can you support their continued growth? 5 tips for parenting adult children so that you can grow together.
My most important leadership roles in life are the ones that I play in my family as a wife and mother. In fact, these roles have taught me many life lessons that have helped me be a more effective leader throughout my career.
I have enjoyed each stage of parenting my sons and learned from each stage. In my blog Raising Generation Z, I share 3 key lessons my sons taught me on how to raise tomorrow's leaders and how to be a better coach and mentor for today's young workforce.
Now as I navigate how to be a parent to my young adult sons, I see more cross-over between the leadership skills from my career to this new phase in parenting. Our parent-child relationship is shifting from provider and caretaker to coach, consultant and peer.
The shift is a hard balance to navigate as I have been their protector and nurturer for so long. Now my goals are to help them become capable, confident and independent adults. I need to grow my parenting skills as I help them continue to grow and our parent-child relationship to evolve.
My oldest son is now 23 and graduating from university. My younger son is almost 21 and in his third year of college. They are both studying in Canada while my husband and I are based in Hong Kong.
The last 2 and a half years of Covid-19 restrictions for travel in Hong Kong have meant not being able to visit our sons. We have not been together as a family unit for almost 3 years.
So when the travel restrictions were eased this summer, we made our plans to finally visit our sons. This week I am writing from Canada while enjoying our long overdue family reunion.
Although my husband and I have regular video calls with our sons and have seen their growth over the past 2 years via our computer screens, we were looking forward to really reconnecting in person. We knew that it would be a period of adjustment to get reacquainted with our now adult sons. And we are excited for this new phase of parenthood.
In preparation for this trip, we have had discussions about what to expect and how we should shift our mindset as we get to know our now adult children. Many of the tools that I used for coaching and leading Generation Z felt applicable to how we could engage with our sons.
We agreed that this was our learning opportunity as parents, and our mindset is one of openness and understanding. Our end in mind is to listen and learn and let them lead the way in our evolving relationship.
It is inspiring to see how independent and courageous they have had to be in the strange pandemic world.
We have learned so much during our reunion thus far, so this week I want to share 5 tips for parenting adult children so that you can grow together.
Tip 1: It's Not the Same as When You Were Their Age
Many parents assume that we know what our adult children are going through because we've been there and done that. While the milestone stages may be the same, the world we lived in as young adults and how we experienced these stages is not the same.
Technology, the internet and social media continue to define how today's young adults experience their world which makes it so different from the analog experience of their parents.
The pressures and challenges that young adults face today are different from our experiences. Their expectations of themselves and the goals they want to achieve are even more pressurized by social media comparison in addition to expectations from their parents.
As parents, we need to recognize that their world is different from "back in our day" and that sharing stories of how we got through our milestone years may not be helpful to ease their pressure or in helping them with their challenges.
Action Tip: Seek to understand from their perspective and learn what their current world challenges are. When we see and feel from their perspective, we can coach and guide them with relevance.
Tip 2: Meet Them Where They Are Right Now
The temptation to interrogate a newly graduated young adult child on their next step in life is second nature to parents who want them to have a plan and move toward a life goal. The reality is that phasing from student life to full-time adulting is daunting.
Caring questions like:
So what job prospects do you have?
What's your plan of action now that you have graduated?
What are your relationship plans?
What are your long-term goals?
Even if parents are asking these questions with genuine interest, it can come across as pressure, judgement and may feel like an interrogation.
Instead, let them focus on the here and now. Acknowledge their achievements so far. They have graduated after 4 years of hard work after all. Help them recognize their achievements.
Action Tip: Help them to define where they are now and recognized how they have grown. Take stock of skills and lessons learned. Give them a moment to be mindful and grateful. This will help them to feel a sense of achievement and build confidence for them to tackle the next steps.
Tip 3: Train and Coach Practical Life Skills
Much of Generation Z grew up with helicopter parents who demonstrated love for them by doing things for them instead of exposing them to more of life's responsibilities. Parents focused so much on their education and extracurricular activities for well-rounded development, that practical skills like finances, budgeting and taxes fell by the wayside.
Luckily, this generation is not afraid to seek help for practical life skills. So be open to offering to coach and advise to help them develop these necessary life skills as they navigate their young adult independence. Build their confidence and ownership for achieving financial independence.
Practical life skills also apply to self-care. Newfound independence living away from home for young adults comes with fast food, lack of sleep, and often lack of exercise.
Balancing new freedom and discipline is challenging. Trying to establish new social networks can often lead to peer pressure to fit in.
Action Tip: Have open discussions to build self-worth to lessen the need to give in to peer pressure. Help them to establish self-care routines and habits that will easily fit into their daily activities and give them the confidence to look after themselves healthily.
Tip 4: Give Them the Moral Support They Need
Establishing themselves as independent young adults in their 20s can cause anxiety and depression in a social media-driven world of curated realities. Young adults can feel lacking or worried because they don't have it all figured out yet.
Parents can be the moral support lifesaver in times when young adult children feel like they are drowning in uncertainties.
Reassure their confidence by reminding them:
To stay true to themselves.
To see their strengths and recognize their accomplishments.
Decisions today can be changed and nothing is set in stone.
How they are feeling is a normal part of transitioning into full-time adulthood.
You are proud of them, love them just as they are and are always rooting for them.
Everything will work out and it will be okay.
Action Tip: Reassure them that everything doesn't have to happen right now. Let them know that they are not being judged as they work through their transition into adulthood. Let them know that we also felt the same angst and experienced the same sense of insecurity in this stage of our lives.
Tip 5: Support Only as Necessary
Up until they left home for university or college, we as parents have been their protectors, nurturers, teachers and caregivers. Letting them care for themselves, learn independence and learn from mistakes is hard.
Parents need to trust that they have raised them well and that their young adult children will be able to find their own way. It's time for them to take off the training wheels and find their balance in adult life.
And should they come across challenges that are too difficult to handle on their own, let your children know that it's okay to ask for help when needed and especially in case of emergency.
There will be instances in their lives when we may not be the right help that they need. Encourage them to seek help from the right channels when you are not able to help. Let them know that it's okay to ask for help.
Action Tip: Let them know that you have confidence in their ability to handle life's challenges, but also reassure them that you will always be there should they need us.
Time to Face Reality
While today's young adults may not have had as much experience with adversity as their parents or grandparents, they have had their own very valid challenges. Growing up in an instant gratification world, their expectations for their own achievements and successes may be unrealistic.
Generation Z is a generation that wants the truth and can handle reality. They benefit from hearing honestly what it takes to get where they want to go. They benefit from hearing the reality of what determination, perseverance and hard work mean.
They also need to be reminded that they are just starting out in their 20s and don't have to know all the answers. It is a scary and exciting time in their lives for learning and discovering as they find their way.
The reality is that we are all still figuring it out as we go regardless of our age. Especially as parents entering the next phase of parenting our now adult children.
If you are interested in learning more about parenting adult children, here are some helpful reading recommendations:
Parenting Adult Children: A Practical Guide to Navigating Your Evolving Relationship by Kate McNulty
Doing Life With Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out by Jim Burns Ph.D
I would love to hear your comments!
What recommendations do you have for supporting the transition of your children into young adulthood?
What are things you wish you knew in your early 20s?
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