From diapers to diplomas, how do we prepare our youth to be the heroes of the future? The 3 key lessons my sons taught me on how to raise tomorrow's leaders and how to be a better coach and mentor for today's young workforce.
If you read last week's blog, "Finding Super Strength in Adversity", you would have discovered that it took me seven years, three doctors and the discovery of a brain tumour before I was able to conceive my two sons. You also would have discovered that I lost my father at the age of 6 and then my mother at the age of 20 so I had limited time with my own parents. These factors play an integral part in how I approach my role as a parent and how I connect with my sons. I take none of their growth for granted and I relish each stage of their lives, including the years of sleepless toddler nights and the worries of their teenage rebellious years.
My sons are now 22 and 20 years old. I am grateful for the independent, intelligent and compassionate people they are as they enter adulthood. I am incredibly hopeful for their futures doing work that matters to them as they find their path in our increasingly complicated world. They are Generation Z (those born after 1997), our future workforce, our future leaders.
My lessons learned as a parent have made me a better boss, coach and mentor during my corporate career, as a consultant and as an entrepreneur.
The many lessons I have learned and continue to learn are enough to fill a book someday. But for today, I'll start with 3 key lessons that I found to be invaluable in raising my Gen Zs. Before we get into the lessons, let's start with a crash course in generational differences.
What Are The Generations?
I have always been fascinated by the research on generational characteristics and differences. For my work in learning and development and my work in consulting and coaching, it is necessary to have a deeper knowledge of how different generations think and behave. This understanding helps to foster better engagement and collaboration in multi-generational companies and helps me to connect with my audiences and clients to better target their needs.
Here is a quick breakdown of the generations:
GENERATION NAME (approx. years) | GENERAL KEY CHARACTERISTICS (generalities not definitive) |
|---|---|
The Silent Generation (Born before 1946) |
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Boomers (1946-1964) |
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Generation X (1965-1979) |
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Millennials (1980-1994) |
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Generation Z (1995-2009) |
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Generation Alpha (2010-2024) |
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Each generation had unique childhood experiences, social-economic norms, political, cultural and global events that shaped the decades that they grew up in. These experiences form our mental map of how we view the world and how we interact with others. It also influences our values and behaviours as parents. If our children were born in our decade with the same circumstances we had, then there wouldn't any problems.
The disconnect happens when we assume that what worked for us growing up will work just as well for them. Moreover, we assume that how we were managed and led by others in our past will apply to how we manage and lead others in the present today. When we understand generational differences in either instance, we can lead our families and our employees more effectively and with positive impact.
Who is Generation Z
The oldest of the Generation Z population is now at entry workforce age and by 2030 will make up to 30% of the global workforce. They are digital natives living in the most diverse globally connected world. They have grown up in a world of rapid change and global events such as terrorism, cybercrime, global economic fluctuations, environmental disasters, political turmoil and a pandemic. This has made Gen Z very realistic and cautious about the world they live in and their future.
Generation Z wants security and stability and achievement. However, their approach is different than their predecessors. They view work as a hobby instead of being defined by it. They are DIY driven and believe in a community where everyone gains and shares from an open economy - and they are open to creating that reality for themselves.
They are truth seekers and realists who want to improve the world.
Where Generation Z will need support is in the areas of emotional connections and mental health. Growing up in a digital world with technology as their primary and preferred method of communication, they will need to learn to navigate real-world challenges, face-to-face connections and relationships. We all have connections with a Gen Z in our lives either personally or professionally, so gaining a better understanding will help us to engage with them more effectively.
If you are interested in learning more, here are some resource links for you to explore below. Now let's move on to what I have learned from my Gen Z sons.
Resources:
Generation Z Unfiltered - book by Tim Elmore and Andrew McPeak
Gen Z and Gen Alpha Infographic - McCrindle.com.au
The Great Generational Shift 2022 Edition - RainmakerThinking.com
Generation Z Characteristics and its Implications for Companies - McKinsey & Company
Generation Alpha Characteristics and Parenting Tips - Parenting.Firstcry.com
Lesson 1: Connecting for Open Communication
Understanding the World Through My Sons' Eyes
My husband and I are committed to being strongly connected and engaged with our boys. In order to do that, we need to see and understand the world through their eyes and let go of the paradigms from our past. In fact, seeing the world through my sons' eyes allowed me to reclaim childhood curiosity and a sense of fun and adventure that I had lost as I had to grow up quickly with the early deaths of my parents. Learning and experiencing the world with their perspective has helped to keep my mind young and in sync with the young employees I led.
One of the most effective methods of connecting with my sons was by integrating myself into their world at each stage of their development through their interests and pop culture topics.
During their toddler years, I immersed myself into Elmo's world since they were so hooked on watching Sesame Street. I could sing their favourite songs with them and discussed what happened with the characters. I was genuinely interested in what they thought and felt in their toddler minds and did my best to not talk down to them, but with them. I listened intently as they communicated things that were important to them and tried to answer the endless "Why" questions without being dismissive. These were great opportunities for teaching moments that felt natural and relatable for their age.
As they grew and as our lives got busier, we made an effort to have daily quality connection time. Our favourite nightly family ritual was bedtime stories. From the time they were infants, I began the habit of reading to my sons. When they got older, my husband and I would act out the voices of the characters in their books or we collaboratively made up funny stories. Each evening ended with giggles and laughter. When they were around 10 - 12 years old, we progressed to chapter books and eventually just funny conversations to catch up on their days. These precious moments let us connect deeply to their thoughts and interests and built the habit of open conversation in our family.
During their pre-teen years, I introduced them to video games like Wii and Nintendo despite my husband's protests. It was a relevant form of play for them at that age and as long as we set parameters of when and for how long, it was a great way for me to connect with them. This connection went on into their teens and even today as a common topic for me and my boys. It is still a great education for me to stay on top of what youth are into and all the pop culture conversation topics that coincide.
In their teens years, we moved to understand their world with the addition of iPhones, iPads, social media, girlfriends and academic plans. Technology actually helped me to connect with them more easily as we shared music on iTunes, traded favourite apps and learned tips and tricks from each other. Even today, these elements keep us connected and they have so much to teach me in the world of evolving technology.
The one rule we adhered to was no tech at the dinner table as that was face-to-face connection time.
Even now as they are studying in Canada while my husband and I remain in Hong Kong, we What's App almost daily and FaceTime regularly. We follow each other's social media feeds voluntarily and actively engage. We share funny YouTube videos and recommend Netflix shows to each other. I can spend hours chatting with them on FaceTime as I continue to try to understand the world through their eyes and am genuinely interested in what's happening in their lives.
The skills of relating to a younger generation where they are has helped me be an effective leader throughout my career. Valuing their perspectives and challenges without judgement and genuinely connecting with their roles and projects made communication and collaboration more authentic, productive and enjoyable.
Lesson 2: Fostering Respect and Collaboration
Not Comparing Our Sons and Valuing Their Individuality
My sons are only two years apart and my husband and I made a rule to never compare them to each other. My husband grew up in a family of 3 boys and his childhood experience was one of competitiveness and comparison in a traditional 70s Asian family. We wanted the boys to value their individuality and not feel the need to compete with each other. We hoped that this would foster a close brotherhood that would be supportive and respectful throughout their lives.
From early on as babies, we could see the distinct differences in my sons' natures and personalities. My older son was quiet, observant, a bit timid and hated messiness. My younger son was loud, bold, action-oriented, tactile and loved a good mess. As their personalities developed and matured, it was clear that their communication styles were different and we had to adapt how we connected with them accordingly.
I remember once casually complimenting my older son when he was 8 on how good he was at keeping his toys clean. My younger 6-year-old looked at me with furrowed brows and asked, "What am I good at?" (He was the one that enjoyed messiness.) I replied, "You are so good at sharing your toys." His furrowed brows turned into a proud smile.
That's when I realized praise had to be equally distributed and could also be a way to highlight their strengths to each other instead of creating competition.
Our older son was able to express his emotions through words more easily. I could talk out problems and understand how he was doing with various issues directly. My younger son was more of a "doer" than a "talker" so I had to find other ways to show him support and let him express his emotions in different ways. It was hard for me to see him stressed or moody, but he needed to go through those feelings before he could express them. I had to adapt to their individual communication styles if I wanted to connect.
When both sons attended the same high school, it was inevitable that teachers would make comparisons and that the boys would be competitive in their achievements. We would not make those comparisons at home and would celebrate their individual achievements together as a family. We also encouraged them to support each other through their individual challenges.
We were incredibly lucky that our boys were born with natures that clicked. They hardly ever fought as children and rarely had arguments as teens. In fact, there was a time when we worried about their ability to make friends because the two of them were such good friends to each other. Now they live together in Canada attending different universities. They are very different individuals and we are incredibly grateful that they are supportive of each other as young adults.
Fostering respect and collaboration with my sons was great practice for engaging the teams that I led and for working with my consulting clients. With teams we lead, they are always hungry for their manager's approval and praise, but what if they could support and build up their teammates in the same way? Teams collaborate better when they play to each other's strengths instead of competing against each other.
Lesson 3: Building Responsibility and Accountability
Letting Go to Let Them Grow
The most difficult balance as parents is the one of control. When to take control and when to give control so that our boys could build responsibility and accountability? When to protect the boys from possible challenges and failures and when to let them grow through it? Family lives are busy and often come with chaos as we navigate the to-do lists and calendars for work and family. It is hard to keep in mind that efficient methods to get things done could be detrimental to the effectiveness of how the boys learned to get things done. The temptation to do it myself was always greater than the patience to wait for them to do it.
I was a busy executive working mother with a job that required me to travel on average of 30-40% of my work calendar. My corporate career took up 15 years of my sons' lives. I had to be efficient and well planned in order to get things done on both the family and work calendars. That meant I always prepared in advance and in detail for family outings and vacations so that we could save time and maximize our enjoyment time together. However, this made my boys comfortable with not having to prepare and plan for themselves.
My husband is much better at releasing control so the boys can grow and learn. He had more patience and a stronger stomach for watching them grow through challenges and failures.
My husband and I learned to tag-team the tasks that we needed to teach the boys for responsibility and accountability in their daily lives. I would focus more on daily organization and household responsibilities and he would focus on academics and extracurricular activities. For example, I would teach them daily organizing and packing of their school bags, keeping their school work orderly and putting away their dishes and laundry, etc. My husband would guide the homework completion and get them to organize equipment for their various sports activities.
We had to be patient through the challenges and consequences of them missing tasks or deadlines. How long could I ignore their dirty laundry all over their bedroom floor? How will we get over this semester's dip in their report card marks while teaching responsibility and accountability of homework and studying? These were hard pills for us as parents to swallow but the medicine was for the greater good of skills they would need as they grow.
Allowing them to experience the consequences of their own irresponsibility or unaccountability would sometimes result in challenges and failures that led to disappointment for the boys. These were important experiences for them to learn to grow through and so painful to watch as a parent. What we had to remind ourselves was to avoid the condescending "I told you so." reflex and focus on how to help them recover confidence and strength for future circumstances.
Letting go to let them grow is the hardest lesson for me as a parent and a leader. I am a nurturer and protector by nature, but sometimes you need to let challenges and adversity in to teach valuable life skills and life lessons.
"Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible - the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family."
Virginia Satir
The Future for My Gen Zs
The past 2 plus years of Covid-19 have pushed Generation Z to accelerate their ability to handle adversity and challenges. I am inspired by the countless examples of agility, adaptability and resilience as well as demonstrations of generosity and compassion this generation shows in helping others through this pandemic.
Our sons now live together in Canada as they complete their university programs. They have for the most part shared their house cleaning responsibilities well, even if they complain that the other can do more. My older son is a Theatre Arts major and my younger son is studying Culinary Arts and Management. I am proudest of how they appreciate and support each other's talents and passions. We are still sharing Netflix recommendations, silly and interesting YouTube videos and comparing Wordle results. They even follow and read my blogs voluntarily.
Not being physically there with my sons in Canada has tested my faith in their self-sufficiency abilities. I am happy that they have lived up to the challenges successfully thus far. My husband and I are continuously learning more lessons as they grow into their young adulthood. We are so grateful that our family lessons from the past have served us well and enabled us to stay so closely connected as a family despite the distance that separates us.
I would love to hear what your thoughts on how we lead Generation Z. Let me know what lessons you have learned or feel are important in helping them to be the best leaders for tomorrow. Leave me a comment below or send me a message.
Until next week, stay safe, stay positive.
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