Celebrating Mother's Day with a tribute to my mom. Sharing her stories of courage and 3 lessons that have helped me over my lifetime.
How will you appreciate your mom on Mother's Day?
How do you show gratitude to your mom when it's not Mother's Day?
How has your mom influenced your life and who you are?
For most people, Mother's Day is a chance to express their appreciation for their moms. It's a day to make up for the times throughout the year when they have been too busy to connect. And all the other days when they take for granted that she will always be there.
Whether you express your love and gratitude for your mom regularly or not, Mother's Day is a good reminder for you to show appreciation to your mom.
Mother's Day is a bittersweet day for me. As May rolls around each year, I find myself in a melancholy mood. It's the anniversary month of my mom's passing and Mother's Day marketing all around me makes me more acutely aware of her absence.
In my blog, In Loving Memory...Living With Grief, I share my lessons in grief from losing my father when I was 6 and then my mother when I was 20. These pivotal experiences in my life have in part defined who I am and how I deal with life's adversities. They have also ruined Mother's Day and Father's Day for me for life.
Despite how May is a trigger month for my grief, I have learned to allow extra self-care time to process sadness and reflection time for the waves of memories good and sad. Now when the melancholy clouds grow over my head, I choose mindfulness and gratitude to appreciate the time I did have with my mom and the impact she has had on my life.
If there is one word that I would use to describe my mom, I would choose courageous.
This week, I am reflecting on the bravery and courage that my mom demonstrated throughout her life. As a tribute to my mom for Mother's Day, I am sharing her story and 3 lessons in courage that have helped me over my lifetime.
1. Choose Courage Over Fear
Mom was born in Hong Kong in 1944 as the youngest in a family of 5. She may have been the youngest in her family, but she was not the spoiled youngest sibling. Her parents were older by the time they had her and were not very involved in her life. She was often cared for by her older siblings, who treated her as a nuisance and someone they could boss around to do their chores.
I do not know much about my grandparents on my mom's side. She didn't talk about her parents at all. I think they passed away early on in her life too. I believe they passed before her marriage to my father when she was 23.
She had me when she was 24 and then my brother when she was 26. Our little family lived in a small flat in Hong Kong. Mom was an accounting clerk and Dad worked for the government as a general clerical clerk. Life was modest and my young parents were at the beginning of making a life for us.
When my mom was 29, my father passed away unexpectedly from complications due to pneumonia. I vividly remember the moment the doctor told Mom that Dad had passed. I remember the anguish and pain on her face as she collapsed to her knees sobbing, "I want to die too." in the hallway of the hospital.
I was just turned 6 and my brother was 4. I cannot imagine the heartbreak and fear that was going through my Mom's mind as a sudden widow with such young children.
After a brief grieving period, I remember the look of determination that replaced the fear and worry in my Mom's eyes. She became focused and determined to make a better life for us on her own.
My uncle had immigrated to Canada a few years earlier and offered to sponsor our immigration. He told Mom that conditions were better for raising her young family than in Hong Kong at the time.
Despite never having been to Canada, speaking very limited English and having limited life savings, Mom sold off the rest of her possessions and we made the move. The journey saw many hiccups and challenges, including two emergency plane landings due to a fire in one of the plane engines. (But that's another story...)
My mom chose courage to face so many unknowns and difficulties in order to give us better opportunities in life. It must have been so scary as a young mother with two young children in tow. But she chose to be courageous and focus on purpose and direction instead.
The lesson I take with me is that there will always be fear, but we have the choice to face them with courage and focus on purpose to guide us through challenges in life.
2. Find Strength and Confidence Through Courage
Life as a new immigrant and single parent in Canada in the mid-70s was challenging. Mom was out of her element in all aspects of her life.
She was limited in work opportunities because of language barriers and the skills from her accounting could not be transferred. She had to find new friends and a community in a new foreign culture. She had to learn to drive, manage finances and get her children settled with schooling.
For the first few months, even the simplest of tasks like grocery shopping and banking were frustrating challenges. Add to that daily experiences with racism and sexism and there was a lot to fear on a daily basis.
If my mom was worried or fearful, she did her best not to show us. I could tell when she was anxious because I could hear it in her voice. Looking back as an adult, I can understand her short temper with us as young children.
What I remember most of all was her focus and courage to take on all the new challenges in her new surroundings.
Mom was able to connect with the local Chinese community as many of the new immigrants did. She found work in the restaurant service industry and established a great network of colleagues and customers who became friends. She learned to drive which gave her newfound freedom and independence. She eventually reconnected with an acquaintance from Hong Kong and remarried a year later.
With her new husband and someone to help shoulder the burdens of family life, the next ten years were good years for the most part. So good that at the age of 40, Mom made a courageous choice to have a baby with her second husband.
Over the 14 years that she spent in her Canadian life, she consistently took on each challenge with courage. She was a well-loved and respected person in the Chinese community and beyond. She was known for her kindness and generosity with a smile that could light up your heart.
Experiencing her courage to create such a fulfilling life in Canada teaches me that courage grows. The scared, worried young single mom in a new foreign country conquered her fears and found the strength and confidence to build a better life for her family.
3. Practice Courage Consistently
The biggest fear that my Mom had to face was her battle with cancer at 43.
This is the story that I tell as best as I can through fragmented memories of a very scared 19-year-old daughter.
It started with a persistent cough after a bad flu and led to testing that showed fluid was collecting in her lungs. They could not find cancer in her lungs, but the fluid that they sampled showed cancer cells present. After several painful procedures of draining the fluid from her lungs, the doctors wanted to proceed with Chemotherapy.
At 43, my Mom was so young and vibrant. We were enjoying new excitement and joy in our family with my baby sister. We were connecting in the next phase of the parent-child relationship with my Mon as my brother and I were in high school and college.
I honestly cannot remember my Mom showing fear when she was first diagnosed with this strange cancer. Most likely because my fear was big enough for both of us.
I don't remember Mom having any hesitation in starting her first round of Chemotherapy. There was no question in her mind as to any other alternative. Her instinct was to be courageous and battle the cancer because there was too much to live for.
Her bravery and courage in taking on Chemo were natural at this time in her life. She had been through so much in her life that she took on any fear with courage by reflex. Her strength in continuing with treatments as they got stronger was a testament to her determination to live her life for her family.
Toward the end of her illness when her body was no longer able to fight the continuing spread of the cancer cells, she had a heart-to-heart with me and shared her deepest fear. The fear that I would need to live my young life without her.
With all the physical and emotional pain that she was going through, her greatest fear was the pain that she would cause me as the eldest daughter, to have to take on another parental loss.
She told me that I would need to be strong for my younger brother and baby sister and that she knows I will be fine. She knew I would be fine because she has seen the courage that I have carried through our difficult times as I grew up. She told me to continue practicing courage consistently as life will always have painful moments, but courage will get me through them.
Sometimes in painful moments, we only feel fear. I have learned from my Mom to breathe through the pain and find the courage to persevere, heal and grow.
Her Courage Stays With Me Always
"The secret to happiness is freedom... And the secret to freedom is courage."
Thucydides
The 20 years that I had with my Mom were not enough.
I often wonder and daydream about what life would be like if she were still here. At 55, I am still learning about my Mom through stories from my relatives who knew her and from treasures in old photo albums. There are so many stories I will never know.
On this Mother's Day, I am grateful for my sons and the gift of being their mom. I am most grateful for the example of courage that my Mom was for me so that I can create the fulfilling life that she wanted for me.
People who know my mom say that I am a spitting image of her. I take that as a compliment with pride and hope that she knows she has given us the best life.
Happy Mother's Day.
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I would love to hear your comments!
What do you do to show your mom appreciation?
What's the best Mother's Day gift you have given or received?
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I find this a bit inspirational. Thank you for the insights.