Three life lessons on living with grief to comfort those going through loss and help those who are supporting someone on their grieving journey.
This week was a challenging week for me as I learned about the sudden passing of a friend for whom I had great respect and love. Not even a month ago, I had learned of another friend's untimely passing. So this week felt particularly heavy and I wanted to write in loving memory of them.
The one guarantee in life is that there will be death. I don't fear death. What I fear is leaving those I love behind.
In obituaries they say, "Mr. X is survived by..." and then go on to list the family members who will indeed need to survive losing someone they loved.
I am one of the people who have been on the "survived by..." list for both my father and my mother. The closer you are and the more you loved the person you have lost, the harder surviving life without them is.
If there were a resume for grieving, I have had more experience than I would like in the 50+ years of my life. My experiences with grief are not special, but they have changed my life and will continue to be a part of my identity.
Age 6 - Losing my 32-year-old father from an unexpected and sudden illness.
Age 20 - Losing my 44-year-old mother after a long battle with cancer.
2010 - Losing my grandmother (99), my eldest aunt (65) who helped raise me, and my dog (14) who was the big sister to my sons, all within months of each other.
Regardless of a long or short life. Regardless of illness or natural causes. The pain of loss with each loved one leaves a hole in my heart that will never completely heal.
What these experiences have taught me is that grief comes in all shapes and sizes, and resides in a part of our hearts for a lifetime.
If death and losing people we love in our lives is a natural part of the cycle of life, why is it such an uncomfortable and awkward topic?
Why does society make the griever feel like they are an inconvenience and need to move on quickly so that they don't have to feel awkward around you?
How can we support our friends and loved ones in their grieving journey when they are the most vulnerable?
In my experiences with loss, the overriding theme for my lifetime healing process has been permitting myself to feel the emotions and not feeling guilty about taking the self-care time needed to process them.
Here are three lessons I have learned in living with grief that I hope will comfort those going through loss and help those who are supporting someone on their healing journey of grief.
Lesson 1:
Grief Has No Expiry Date
There are no rules for how to grieve. There is the Kübler-Ross Change Curve which is referred to as the "The 5 Stages of Grief". There are articles suggesting that it should take around 6 months to 4 years for the grieving process. But there is no definitive guidebook for grieving.
Societal expectations for grief are in abundance. There are behaviours expected when the loss is recent and different expectations over time. People have expectations of the time it takes for someone to be "recovered" from their grief.
But grief has a clock of its own. There is no expiry date on emotions for loved ones we have lost.
When my father died, I was only 6 and had no idea what that meant or how his death would impact my mother, younger brother, and me. He died in hospital from an unexpected complication of pneumonia. We didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to see him one last time.
I remember being at the funeral and watching all the sobbing adults around me with indifference. I remember being restless with my younger 4-year-old brother during the ceremony. I remember fidgeting too near the candles and burning the tip of my braided pigtail.
That's when I was harshly scolded by my mother, "You should be sad. You should be crying. Show respect to your father." She then pinched me so hard on my thigh that I wailed out in pain and started to cry uncontrollably.
I remember the consoling comments in support of my mom and the somehow approving looks for me being in tears during the funeral. But as soon as the ceremonies were done, the expectations changed.
As quickly as the next day, I was expected to be on my best behaviour as the eldest daughter, be strong for my mom, and be responsible for looking after my little brother. During the subsequent months, in moments when I missed my father, I was told not to cry. So I thought mourning and grieving were done.
Ten years after my dad passed, we had a new family life with a stepfather and little sister on the way. Life was good. I was happy and had seldom thoughts of my father nor did I feel any lingering sadness. I thought I was healed from the grief of his loss.
At 16 and in my last year of high school, I discovered that grief for my father was not healed. In a strange encounter with a Psychic Medium that my Sociology teacher had booked to speak with our class, the flood gates of repressed grief blew open.
The psychic asked for volunteers to do a reading by giving them a sentimental object. I volunteered and gave the psychic a watch that my mother gave me as a 16th birthday gift. Mom said it was one of the first gifts given to her by my father. End of story. Mom didn't talk about my father. In fact, at that time, I knew nothing about him.
When I gave the psychic my watch, she held it cupped in both hands and closed her eyes for a few moments. I was trying not to laugh as I was a skeptic. But when she opened her eyes and looked caringly into mine, something felt strange.
"It's okay." She said in a soft warm voice with a caring smile as if she'd known me for a long time. "He knows you are okay and he is proud of you. He's been with you all along."
I had said nothing to the psychic. I just handed her the watch. There was no way she would have known about my father and I volunteered for the reading at random.
She handed me back the watch and patted the back of my hand in a comforting gesture. And then I lost it. Tears came streaming down my face and I had to be excused from the rest of the class to collect myself at the counselor's office.
The counselor called my mother to tell her what had happened. That night when I came home from school was the first time in 10 years that my mother had discussed my father with me. It was the first time she admitted that she missed him too and told me how much he loved my brother and me.
These photos were given to me by my grandmother from my father and my forgotten childhood. The first photo is before my dad's death, and the last photo is after. I can see the sadness in my eyes.
That summer, my mother gifted me a trip to Hong Kong, where I was born and lived until my father's death. It was the perfect timing for me to reconnect with my grandmother and aunts on my father's side who were a huge part of my childhood.
One of the first things I wanted to do in Hong Kong was to visit my father's grave. My aunts were surprised that I openly wept at the gravesite. My heart needed to speak with him and say the goodbye that the 6-year-old me never got to.
Ten years after his passing, surrounded by family in Hong Kong who could help me to get to know him best, I was finally able to begin the grieving journey for my father. Grief has no expiry date.
Lesson 2:
Grief Will Surface Even If You've Moved On
When my mother died from her cancer recurrence, I was 20, my younger brother was 18 and my baby sister was 4. Mom was only 44 and I thought she would be able to overcome her cancer as she did 5 years prior.
Her cancer came back more viciously the second time around. And we endured a painful year of watching mom lose her strength and vibrancy as the chemotherapy weakened her.
In the last months of her life, my mother and I had many heart-to-heart talks. She was preparing me for life without her, I was rejecting the thought and telling her she would be ok.
I don't remember the details of the night she passed away in hospital. I don't remember how I got to the hospital after my stepfather called me to tell me she would be gone soon. I just remember I got there moments too late and held her hand to say goodbye after she was gone.
This time, I understood what grief was. This time, I was aware of how my life and my family's life would be so different without my mom.
In the week that followed, I couldn't control the tears that would spontaneously roll down my cheeks with any passing thought of my mom. I brushed away the annoying tears and sadness as there was much to do. I had to help my step-father look after our household and care for my baby sister as he looked after the paperwork and funeral arrangements.
At the funeral, I remember how full the parlor was with so many of her friends and family in the life that she built for us in Canada. I remember the numbness of how everything felt that day. The endless condolences sounded like the mumbled voice of the adults in Charlie Brown cartoons, "Wonk, won-wonk, wonk."
Some phrases were repeated at nauseum and each time it felt like a little pin being pushed into my heart.
"Stay strong, your stepfather and your siblings need you."
"It's better now, she can rest in peace."
"Everything is going to be okay."
"You're the eldest. You need to be strong."
Freshly graduated from college and working in my first full-time job, at 20-years-old I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. The funeral was done, it was time to stay strong and carry on as everyone expected of me.
At 22, I married the amazing man my mother predicted to be Mr. Right. I was lucky that they met and got to know each other before her passing. Find out the full story of how my mom had a hand in finding my Mr. Right in my blog, "My Epic 80's Romance".
My wedding day was one of the happiest and saddest days of my life. I told no one of the stomach-turning pain from missing my mom on my wedding day. I swallowed the grief and buried it deep inside the darkest crevis in my heart so that I could focus on the light of marrying the man I love.
At the reception, when people toasted to say how happy my mom would be or how proud of me she would be...I smiled politely and felt the same numbness I did during her funeral.
Months after our wedding, my husband and I moved to a different city where he was finishing his university degree. My stepfather had remarried that same year so I felt I could let go of my responsibilities as the eldest daughter. I focused on our married life and starting in a new job and a new city.
Life got busy. Time had passed. I had moved on. Grieving was done...wasn't it?
As married life progressed, at 26, we prepared to start our own family. During this time, I noticed the increasingly raw emotions of missing my mom. I told myself it was long past the time for grieving and would stop myself from thinking about it, feeling it, and talking about it. But the sadness grew.
I couldn't quite put a name to what I was feeling...anxiety, stress, sadness? I was losing weight and becoming increasingly stressed. My husband and I were having difficulty conceiving. I thought I was overworked and even quit my full-time retail management role and switched to a less stressful part-time job.
When I took a step back and was not running at full throttle, the feelings of grief for my mother bubbled to the surface. In preparing to become a mom, my mindset was finally open to seeing, hearing, and talking about my grief for my mom.
In my part-time work, I was lucky to have met a kind group of mature women around what my mom's age would have been at that time. They were open, understanding, nurturing, and had experienced loss. They were comfortable discussing loss and grieving and became my support group.
When I took a step back and allowed myself time to process all the grief that I had buried so deeply, I started to find peace.
Now in moments of grief, I feel closer to my mom. It's my heart's way of reminding me of my love for her. And those spontaneous tears are her caresses on my cheeks.
Lesson 3:
Make Time For Emotions And Memories
May is a difficult month for me emotionally. It's the month of my mom's passing and it's the month with reminders all around for Mother's Day.
When I was younger, I dreaded the month of May for all the feelings of loss that it held. As I have grown on my grief journey, I have learned to allow extra self-care and reflection time during this month.
Over the years, I have learned to let go of the societal expectations of the grieving process. I have learned it is okay to allow for moments of vulnerability that sadness brings. I learned that if I bury the sadness in darkness it grows. But if I shine the warmth of light on sadness, it becomes memories that keep those I've lost close in my heart.
So in May, I watch musicals and movies that my mom loved. I go through old photo albums and remind myself of how vibrantly she lived and how much she loved her family. I journal to allow mindful reflection. I paint to release emotion into art.
I welcome the memories that appear as DMs from loved ones who have passed saying, "Hey, I was just thinking of you and sending you my love."
Sending My Condolences
Covid-19 has thrust the world into experiencing loss and grief on historical levels. Many of us know of someone going through grief or are going through personal loss firsthand.
I hope those experiencing loss will find comfort in my lessons learned on my grief journey.
Grief Has No Expiry Date: Take your time to experience and process the loss.
Grief Will Surface, Even If You Pretend You've Moved On: Allow yourself to see, hear and talk about what you are going through with people who can support you.
Make Time For Emotions And Memories: Make time for self-care activities that help to process emotions so that you can find joy in the memories.
For those who are supporting someone going through grief, don't let your fear of vulnerability keep you from truly being there to listen or just be a shoulder to cry on. Let the griever tell you what they need instead of pushing with societal expectations.
I am grateful for the losses I've experienced because they made me stronger. My life's journey with grief has made me a more compassionate and passionate person because while life is hard, it is also preciously rewarding.
I leave you with a compelling, touching, and humorous TED Talk on how "We Don't Move On From Grief. We Move Forward With It." from Nora McInerny.
To learn more about healing from grief see the following articles:
The 5 Stages of Grief: Learning About Emotions After Loss Can Help Us Heal - Online Article - verywellmind.com
How Grief and Loss Affect Your Brain, and Why It Takes So Long To Heal - Online Article - npr.org
Understanding the Kubler-Ross Change Curve - Online Article - cleverism.com
I would love to hear your comments!
What self-care activities have helped you in times of grief?
How have you been there for friends and family dealing with loss?
Thank you for spending time on AYCLimitless.com
Please share and subscribe if you enjoyed your time on the site.
Comments