The 3 lessons I learned in recovering from Empty Nesting Syndrome and how to prepare for a better transition into empty nesting life.
I am still new to my mid-life chapter. Entering my 50s has given me many surprises in my physical, mental and emotional health. While I prepared for entering all of my younger stages in life like university, starting my career, preparing for pregnancy, preparing for parenthood, etc... I did not prepare for mid-life and becoming an empty nester.
I have only recently discovered the plethora of literature, websites and communities available on the topic of empty nesting. Hindsight is 20/20. If I had educated myself more for this phase of my life, it would have made for an easier transition and a better prepared one for myself and my family.
"Empty Nest" refers to the life stage of parents with children leaving home (the nest) to begin their young adult lives. During this process, parents may feel a mix of loneliness or sadness along with a sense of relief and joy for getting their lives back.
In some cases, parents may experience "Empty Nest Syndrome", where they may have prolonged grief, anxiety and depression from losing a primary role as a parent. Although it is not a clinical disorder or diagnosis, it can be a result of this pivotal life transition from full-time parenting to empty nesting.
Transitioning into the empty nest stage can be difficult for both parents, but typically, mothers seem to be more susceptible to Empty Nest Syndrome.
Empty nesters may feel:
Sadness
Loss
Depression
Loneliness
Distress
Worry or anxiety over their child's well-being
A loss of purpose and meaning in life
Increased marital tensions
Source: Empty Nest Syndrome - Online Article - psychologytoday.com
I checked "YES!" to the entire list after my youngest son moved to join my older son half a globe away to attend university.
At that time, I didn't know why I was feeling this way and attributed it to my changing menopause hormones. (Which most likely played a part in my emotional fluctuations.) If I had taken the time to learn and prepare for my empty nesting stage, the transition could have been easier.
Many of my friends are now entering the empty nesting stage of their lives. While I hear much discussion about practical preparation like healthcare and finances, there isn't enough discussion around preparing for mental and emotional health needs in this phase of life.
This week I share the 3 lessons I learned in recovering from Empty Nesting Syndrome.
How I Crash Landed Into Empty Nesting
Two years ago, I crash-landed into empty nesting. 🤯
In August of 2020, my youngest of two sons left to join his older brother for university half a globe away in Canada. That same month, we downsized out of our 18-year home in Hong Kong and began the height of our pandemically restricted global experience.
It was an emotional and chaotic time. I was helping my youngest son prepare to leave for university while dismantling our 18-year family home and renovating our new downsized home all at the same time.
I was categorizing 18 years of our lives into suitcases for my son and moving boxes marked "keep", "donate" and "discard". With every suitcase and box I filled, I felt like I was saying goodbye to memories and a family life that I cherished so much.
It was a lot to say goodbye to all at once. 😭
I did not expect to be as emotional as I was leading up to my son's departure. Nor was I prepared for the waves of sadness and tears that followed in the weeks and months afterwards. There were mornings when I could hardly find the motivation to drag myself out of bed.
Meanwhile, the transition for my husband seemed to be effortless. He was encouraging me to discard and donate as much as I could from our son's childhood belongings as we struggled to fit into our new downsized home. With every box I filled, it felt like chunks of memories were being ripped out of my heart.
I knew it was necessary to declutter and that the boys would not need the boxes of stuffed toys and childhood books ever again. But each piece had a story, a memory and an experience of their childhood attached.
On the vacation to Bali when we bought the funny stuffed hawk that squawked more like a crow when you pressed its tummy.
The many belly-cramping laughing sessions from reading Calvin & Hobbs, funny bedtime stories and joke books as a part of their bedtime ritual.
The artwork and school projects that we displayed proudly throughout the stages of their school lives.
Their favourite T-shirts and cool baseball cap collections that chronicled the evolution of their sense of style and identity.
My logical mind knew that they had to go and be donated for someone else in need to enjoy. But my heart was having palpitations with each decision to discard or donate.
All the while, I was stressed and worried about how my sons were doing in their unsettling Covid-19 university life. From half a world away, I felt powerless to help them.
This was how I crash-landed into my empty nesting life and fell into Empty Nest Syndrome. 😓
Lesson 1: Finding New Focus and Purpose
Now that the family was divided onto opposite sides of the globe, even the new downsized apartment in Hong Kong felt very empty to me. The silence of my new surroundings amplified my feelings of loneliness and loss.
I had to find a new focus and purpose to feel productive and useful. Some way to put one foot in front of the other and move forward in this new phase of my life.
I found the motivation to get out of bed every morning with a focus on making our new home something that my husband could enjoy as a couple again. He wanted an awesome home entertainment system for his newfound free time. I wanted a home office/sewing/art area to explore new opportunities.
Envisioning the future state of our new home for just the two of us and an option for the boys to come home made me feel optimistic about new family experiences together as adults.
Going through the photo albums and framing moments of our boys' childhood to scatter around our new home made it feel like they were with us.
Losing myself in home decorating and organizing got me out of bed every morning when my heart was still grieving for our old family life. It was a simple focus that made me feel productive and led me to see new purpose and possibilities for my empty nesting life.
By putting one foot in front of the other and taking one day at a time, I soon found myself moving forward to future possibilities instead of languishing in the past.
Lesson 2: Reconnecting With Myself and My Spouse
My husband is an amazing father. Read my blog How Fathers Influence Their Children's Character and Confidence to understand why he's our "World's Best Dad"
My husband is also the love of my life. Read about how a reluctant beauty queen met the mysterious foreign student and fell in love in my blog My Epic 80s Romance.
Our 33 years of marriage have been an amazing adventure and being parents together has only made us love and respect each other more. The journey was not devoid of obstacles and challenges along the way, but we worked hard at being a couple and being parents.
For myself...
With the nest empty and pandemic restrictions keeping us home, I had time to reconnect with my needs. I rediscovered the hobbies that I long lost the time to pursue. I could contemplate and meditate on what I needed to feel purpose and meaning in the new phase of my life.
I picked up my design and sewing skills and have created hundreds of cloth masks to send to family and friends around the world at the height of masking restrictions. I merged mindfulness with art and learned meditative art techniques. I journaled and rediscovered my love of writing, which lead to braver and bolder steps like starting ayclimitless.com and blogging.
With my husband...
I reconnected with my husband as the friend and partner in life that I fell in love with so many years ago. Without the chatter and business of a bustling family to look after, we could enjoy the quiet of being just the two of us.
We started city walks together to explore and discover new areas in Hong Kong while getting in 5km of exercise. We started exploring fresh food markets that we now love taking advantage of for amazing tropical and local produce.
Now I relish in the quiet of my empty nest where I have control over my time and focus. My husband and I are getting to know the 50+ versions of each other better and thinking about what we want to do with the years to come.
We happily and fondly reminisce about our past family adventures and are looking forward to new opportunities with our adult children in the future.
Lesson 3: Redefining Connections With Your Adult Children
In my blog Raising Generation Z, I talk about the closeness of our relationship with our boys and the approach we took in raising them to be kind, considerate and confident people. We have cherished and relished each stage of their growth and development. And we have learned so much from them in the process.
Our connection with our boys has remained close thanks to the technologies and apps available to connect whenever we want. The closeness and openness that we have established as the foundation of our child-to-parent relationship have helped us to evolve our adult children-to-parent relationship.
They will always be my babies in my heart, but I had to learn to let go and trust their abilities as young adults. I respect and am grateful for their openness and willingness to keep us looped into their daily lives. I am honoured that they come to us as sounding boards and advisors in their times of dilemma.
While we have not been able to visit Canada during the pandemic. Each of my sons had one trip home and braved the 2-3 weeks of isolation hotel quarantine upon entering Hong Kong. My older son was home for the summer of 2020 and my younger son was home for the summer of 2021.
We had witnessed their development and growth through FaceTime and WhatsApp chats from afar, but seeing it in person during their visits was inspiring. My husband and I immediately noticed their growth into young adults. Everything from their body language to the cadence of speech to their thought process evolved.
The summers with each of our sons were priceless in redefining how we relate and engage in our adult children-to-parent relationship. It solidified our trust and confidence in them as responsible young adults. They experienced getting to know us as adults and friends who they could confide in and have a drink with.
No matter how old they get, they are always going to be our children. I am looking forward to how our adult connection will grow as they become future parents too.
New Eggs in the Nest
Ultimately, all parents will eventually arrive at the empty nest destination because that is our role as parents. We care for, nurture, educate and guide our children to effectively lead independent lives of their own.
Children will always need their parents no matter how old they grow, just in different ways.
In truth, empty nesting is not so empty once you discover how much you can do with your time once it's yours again. If you prepare for this important life stage by learning and understanding what you will be going through, just like you did to prepare for becoming a new parent, you'll find it a much smoother transition.
To help you be better prepared for your empty nesting phase, here are some helpful articles I wish I had read earlier.
5 Signs and Symptoms of Empty Nest Syndrome - Online Article - verywellfamily.com
7 Strategies for Overcoming Empty Nest Syndrome - Online Article - verywellfamily.com
I would love to hear your comments!
Where are you on your parenting journey?
What hobbies would you take up in your empty nesting days?
How do you imagine your adult relationship to be with your children?
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