Turning the shifts that happen in life into superpowers. A life of learning to survive and thrive through adversities and turning them into advantages.
This past week of chaos in the world is weighing heavy on my heart. It's been a struggle to find space for calm in my mind. It's been a struggle to come up with this week's blog and how to share appropriate positivity during these turbulent times. So today I remind myself that adversity builds resilience and I look for the lessons to be learned. I remind myself to value the moments and loved ones in my life as life can change in an instant. I remember to be grateful.
"Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it."
Charles R. Swindoll
For all of the pivotal gains and successes in my life, there was often an equally great loss that proceeded. When I look back at the adversities of my past, it can read like a sad melodrama where the tragic hero keeps on getting beaten down by life. But when I look back at my melodramatic past, I see stories of triumph with valuable lessons learned and many happily-ever-afters created.
My melodrama prequel plotline includes the following:
Her father dies unexpectedly when she is 6
Her mother gets mysterious cancer and dies when she is 20
She struggles with fertility issues caused by a brain tumour in her 30s
She is diagnosed with Lymphoma at 45
You would expect the hero in this story to be downtrodden and full of sadness. Instead, with every shift that life threw my way, I learned to adapt, grow and gain some superpowers along the way.
"You should never view your challenges as a disadvantage. Instead, it's important for you to understand that your experience facing and overcoming adversity is actually one of your biggest advantages."
Michelle Obama
The Loss of My Father Led to the Start of a New Life in Canada
My father died due to complications from Pneumonia. It was the mid-70s in Hong Kong and medical technologies at that time could not prevent his death from what started as a simple chest cold. He was 32 years old with a wife, a 6-year-old daughter and a 4-year-old son. He was just beginning to build his career in what should have been the prime of his life.
I don't remember much about my father. I only had old photos and an audio recording of his voice on cassette tape to remember him by. I remember two rituals with him as a child. One was watching Sunday horse races on television with him as he let me pretend I was racing along with the announcer while bouncing on his knee. The other was occasionally riding on the back of his scooter as he parked it after work in the evenings. In my mind, he was tall, handsome and adventurous.
Losing my father also meant losing financial security for our family. My mom was only 31 working as an accounting clerk. Suddenly she was widowed with two young children and limited savings as she and my father were just starting out in life. We moved from our small two-bedroom apartment into one bedroom that we sublet within another family's apartment. My mom, my younger brother and I would sleep on one bed together in a room so small that the door could not fully open as it was blocked by the bed. We bathed in the communal bathroom and cooked our meals in the communal kitchen. I remember my mom's frustration, tiredness and sadness from that period in our lives. I did my best to be a good 6-year-old to help her and take care of my little brother.
During this sad time for us, we were supported by my father's side of the family consisting of my grandparents and my 5 young aunts. They would occasionally look after us on the weekends and in the evenings when my mom had to work. I have happy memories of playing with my young aunts and their 3 dogs in their flat in Yuen Long. They had a large balcony that was our playground to ride tricycles, chase the dogs and play with great toys that my aunts got us from the factories they worked in. I remember my time with them as the happy moments after my dad's death. This is when my lifelong bonds with my aunts began and would last a lifetime.
Within a year after my father's death, my mother decided to immigrate to Canada to join her older brother and sister. I remember clinging to my grandmother and my aunts sobbing as the six-year-old me felt like I was losing my world in Hong Kong. But my mom's decision was the right one in order to build a better life than what she could provide for us in Hong Kong as a single parent. In this chapter of my life, my mom was the superhero. She bravely moved us to a new country she had never been to, with limited savings and even more limited English proficiency.
Building a Life in Canada and Losing My Mom
The years of settling into and growing up in a new country were challenging. Mid-western Canada in the mid-70s was not a progressive place and we suffered daily racism growing up. We lived for two years with my uncles until my mom remarried and we got our own home. From the age of 8, I was responsible for looking after my younger brother and helping with the household chores while the adults had to work late. I think this is where my self-sufficiency comes from.
Life for my family stabilized when my mom got remarried and we moved into our first home as a new family. We established friends and community and I slowly came out of my shell to find my voice and talents as a teenager. I had a strong sense of compassion from being the outsider or misfit as a visible minority. I learned to defend myself and voice my opinions louder as I was overlooked or underestimated by classmates and teachers who assumed I did not speak English well enough coming from the "English as a Second Language" class.
This is where my empathy superpower started.
My mom and stepfather worked extremely hard to build a life for our family. My mom was an accounting clerk in Hong Kong, but once in Canada, she had to start over and find work in the restaurant industry. She worked long 12-hour shifts, 6 days a week, often till late in the evenings and sometimes on weekends. My brother and I would often visit her at the restaurant and would be spoiled with free sodas and fortune cookies by the waiters. These were the happy moments I cherish most during a time of stability in our lives. Our life in Canada was progressing happily but there was a plot twist coming.
When I was 15, my mom was diagnosed with a strange form of lung cancer. Her lungs kept on filling up with a cancerous fluid, but they could not identify the source of the cancer with medical technologies at that time. I watched my mom bravely endure chemotherapy, lose her hair and become so thin from not being able to hold down her food. I did my best to be the best eldest daughter and looked after the household on top of my school work and a part-time job. Fortunately, the chemotherapy treatments worked and she went into remission.
From the age of 16 to 19, I would say my life was the most stable, happy and even exciting. I had my first overseas trip to Hong Kong since leaving as a child. I entered the first-ever Miss Chinatown pageant in Alberta at my mother's insistence. I became a beauty queen and met the man who would become my husband in the process. (For the full story of how the reluctant beauty queen met the smiling foreign student, you'll have to read my blog "My Epic 80s Romance".)
I was fulfilling my dream of becoming a fashion designer and attending college. And most importantly, the birth of my little sister injected new life and love into our family. Things in life were perfect during this time and I was full of hopes and dreams for my young adult future. Soon after my 19th birthday, there was another tragic plot twist.
My mom suffered from a persistent cough after a bad flu and then started having trouble breathing. The cancerous fluid was back after 4 years in remission. It was painful to watch her go through chemotherapy again, but we thought it would result in her being cancer-free like the first time. This time something was different. She was not responding well to the chemotherapy.
In the space of 3 months, Mom drastically lost weight and became so fragile. As her condition got worse, she began to talk about what she wanted us to do when she was gone. It was in our last heart-to-heart talk that she told me how she felt about my boyfriend at the time. She said he was a good man and that I should marry him. We were nowhere ready for that step, but she planted the seed and gave us her blessing. My mom passed away just after I turned 20.
In my brief 20 years with her, I learned from her strength, determination and generosity. I saw what sacrificing for family was and that you didn't need a job title or fancy office to be a person of influence and leadership. And the boyfriend she gave her blessing to? He turned into my happily-ever-after for 32 years and still counting.
The Long Road to Parenthood and the Brain Tumour Speed Bump
My husband and I began to try to start a family when we were 25 years old. We were settling happily into married life and starting our careers. We had planned to have two children by the time we were 30 as we wanted to be young active parents. Unfortunately, the next plot twist took us on a different path.
For 3 years we tried unsuccessfully to get pregnant. I went to two doctors who told me not to worry as we were young and healthy 28-year-olds. We were not ready to proceed with more intrusive fertility methods yet so we agreed to continue to try and let it happen naturally.
We took advantage of our mobility as a couple without deep financial ties of a mortgage or children and moved to Hong Kong in 1995. This move was one of the best plot developments in my life. I got to know and grow close to my husband's parents who accepted me like their own daughter. I reconnect with my aunts and grandmother again.
By the time we were 30, we had established our careers in Hong Kong and it was time to take the next steps to try to become parents. We went to a well-known specialist who listened to our situation and instantly seemed to know what the issue was. She suggested I get an MRI scan of my brain as she suspected there was something wrong with my pituitary gland. She was right.
I had a tumour in my brain on my pituitary gland that caused the pituitary to make too much of a hormone called prolactin. The condition is called Prolactinoma and causes decreased levels of estrogen resulting in irregular menstrual cycles and irregular ovulation. The specialist informed us that she had successfully treated cases like mine before. We were lucky to have caught the tumour early as it was still micro in size and did not require surgery.
I started a treatment of oral medications to decrease the production of prolactin and regulate my estrogen level. We were also hopeful that the medication would shrink the tumour. The side effects of the medication were dizziness, nausea and frequent headaches which I endured for 6 months. None of that mattered as it worked and we were pregnant with our first son!
I stayed under close follow-up visits with the specialist and regular MRI scans to monitor the tumour on my pituitary gland. The medication was successful in reducing the tumour slightly, and I only had to take the medication when we wanted to get pregnant with our second son. Luckily, the reduced micro size of the tumour meant that I didn't have to continue with medication after I had my children.
The brain tumour that delayed our plans for parenthood was a blessing in disguise. It allowed us to make the move to Hong Kong where both my husband and I had flourishing careers that enabled us to provide a good life for our family. We were more ready to be parents and the long journey made us even more appreciative of our children. It even impacted our approach to raising them to be positive, compassionate people.
A Stark Reminder of Life Priorities
The next plot twist in my melodrama saga came when I turned 45. I was well established in a 13-year career in a regional role that took me all over the world and allowed me to flourish in my passions for artistry, training and development. However, the high travel and high-stress life working in a global corporation and raising a family were taking a toll on my health. I was 100% committed to each of my roles as a wife, mother and department head, but 0% committed to self-care.
One morning while putting on my make-up, I noticed a strange fleshy growth on the inside of my left lower eyelid. At first, the eye doctor thought it was an eye infection and gave me medication accordingly. Two weeks later, the small mass was still there and the doctor performed a small biopsy to get a sample for further testing. Nothing prepared me for the test results that showed the mass to be malignant.
I was referred to an oncologist and diagnosed with MALT Lymphoma which is a form of lymphoma involving the mucosa-associated lymphoid tissue. I immediately had flashbacks of my mother's battle with cancer and the painful chemotherapy she had to go endure. We were lucky in my case to have caught the growth early. The doctor was able to successfully treat the growth with three courses of targeted therapy and I did not need chemotherapy.
This wake-up call reminded me that my family mattered the most to me and that I should have been working to live instead of living to work. It helped me decide to leave my successful corporate career in pursuit of life balance vs work-life balance. (See my blog "It's Never Too Late to Turn a New Page" for the additional lessons in need for self-care.) My brush with cancer gave me a perspective on what I truly valued in life and reset my priorities to invest in my future and that of my family. I learned how brave I could be in fighting my imposter syndrome and began my entrepreneurial adventure.
Reframing Perspectives and Turning Adversity into Advantage
All the scars from the adversities in my past I now wear proudly as my metals of honour and life-proof protective gear. These plot twists are the source of my superpowers that made me a strong leader in my career and for my family.
So as we continue in our challenging times globally, I have faith that we will learn valuable lessons and that better chapters are to come. There will be more plot twists and life shifts, but I know we all have the strength to grow and adapt.
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations."
Charles R. Swindoll
I would love to hear your stories of courage in times of adversity. What superpowers have you gained? How have you grown and adapted? Send me a message or share in the comments section below.
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